i'm sori guys... truely am..

guys.. i told u i'll b in camp for 6 days.. but i came back aft the end of first day..y?? u guys muz b puzzled rite?
since the first day of camp, in the morning, we were ask to change our IC, the guys were quite reluctant to volunteer nor accept the job.. i noe how they feel as i felt the same way too.. it's a terrible job to b a IC in this CI course.. it really is.. it's mentally and physically exhausting..

but, one of my squadmate asked me to b, and i don noe wat happen to my mind, i straight away say yes.. abit reluctant too.. guess wat.. i screwed up.. we were suppose the mark attendance. aft that, we gotta put the attendance bk in a box outside the HQ office.. i forgot to ask where is the box and juz went up straight and left my squad alone.. then i went down again to ask, then my CII scolded me for nt asking firx then react.. haiz.. i dragged the whole squad down.. we arrived to the bunk last b'cox of me.. haiz.. then, till the afternoon, i begin to feel giddy and want to vomit.. i oso don noe y... i was donig baring senjata wif the M-16 and when i bent down.. my head spins.. i got no choice but to rest.. i thot i'll b able to recover soon.. but no.. i rested for the whole day b'cox i injured my legs.. can't even walk properly.. haiz.. my squad was damn caring.. even the guys.. they kept on ask me how i feel.. help me take my stuff when we gotta travel frm a place to the other.. i'm really thankful to u guys.. yifong, xiumin,zakiah,melissa,joelyn,jiaying, billy, ronald, jessica, han teck, tee yan and the rest of them.. i'm sori that i can't pass out wif u guys and i don wanna drag u guys down as i'm feeling unwell.. hope u guys will endure thru tis 6 days!!

then came tis debrief that i'll nv forget.. our head of commandant scolded us.. our CIIs yelled at us.. some of the gals cried too.. but i hold back my tears.. wat we all went thru last nite was a hell of a shit!! that's wat i can say.. my CII told us that when each of us r born, all of us has tis special talent, that is choice. frm that, i start to tink, i've repeat my 4n and i did badly for my 5n all b'cox i put np firx.. so that nite, i reralised that i can't commit or focus on 2 tings. so aft that.. i called yongzhi, was abt to cry, but no, i hold back again.. i tried calling peii.. but she off her fone.. sadx.. tok to my squadmates.. they asked me to stay.. they insisted that i go thru another day and c how.. but, i wanna focus on my studies.. i oso don wanna drag them down.. so i left.. on the way out frm PA.. i thot of alot of stuff.. was feeling very very upset.. it's juz lik when i get my results during 4n and it said "REPEAT" that's how i feel.. again, hold back my tears, cox my ma'am is juz beside me.. walking me out.. we both were quiet along the way out.. that dark alley.. my squadmates opening their bunk door, the look in their eyes, shocked when i'm holding my barang barang.. i'll nv forget..

on my way home.. the sadness accumulates.. got home.. i called jeff and told him.. msg shuix.. told her abt it.. time to go to bed.. shut my eyes.. but my mind ain't shut.. i kept on tel myself that i muz b able to let it go.. and i don noe wat time i sleep..

woke up, called cat.. i really cannot take it anymore.. i cried.. she asked if i was crying, i said no.. i'm having flu.. wasn't feeling well.. but she don believe.. of cox she don.. she noe me for so many yrs.. she noes when i'm crying.. i told her i'll let it go, but i'm gonna need sometime.. and she said she'll support me.. that's wat i need.. she noes how much np means to me.. i'm glad she understands me..

gonna return my uniform tomolo.. shuix is gonna accompany me.. i hope everything will b fine tomolo..

best of luck to my squadmates june 05!! CIBTC'05!